Selesai dengan Diri Sendiri

 Dulu prinsipku adalah "selesai dengan diriku sendiri" sebelum memulai hubungan. Padahal, aku belum memiliki goals yang jelas mengenai konsep tentang "selesai dengan diri sendiri itu seperti apa. Beruntungnya, aku, ya beruntung dalam hal yang tidak begitu beruntung sebenarnya, yaitu aku 'memiliki kesadaran' bahwa ada yang perlu kuselesaiakan dengan diriku sendiri, mengenai penerimaan diri, satu persatu kuusut, adalah tentang banyak hal. Lalu, kalau diceritakan kembali tentang perjalanan lima tahun terakhir ini, apa yang akhirnya dapat kusimpulkan... ya meski perjalanannya belum berakhir, namun setidaknya, dalam perhentian-perhentian tertentu, ada pemaknaan-pemaknaan tentang bentuk-bentuk penerimaan diri. 

kalau didefinisikan, manusia yang membersamaiku selama lima tahun ini, menjadi salah satu fasilitator yang mumpuni untuk membantuku mencapai fase "penerimaan diri itu", di lain sisi ia juga bisa kusebut sebagai personal counselor, yang menjadi tempat yang cukup waras aku mengilas balik semua luka-luka masa lalu yang secara tidak langsung menghambat dan membuatku berputar-putar disatu-tempat, walau tentu saja masalalu itu tidak menjadi lebih baik dari sebelumnya, namun aku perlahan menemukan jalan keluar, bahwa tempatku bukan disana. Aku sampai pada kesadaran dimana menerima bukan berati "mengubah dulu seperti yang aku mau, baru aku menerimanya" melainkan apa adanya yang terjadi yang kuterima, dengan tidak memungkirinya, dengan tidak mengelakkannya, itupun cukup untuk disebut sebagai menerima.

kalaupun tampaknya dia hanya membersamai, tapi aku yakin dampaknya cukup besar, tidak terbayangkan tentunya, jika di usia ini, aku belum selesai dengan pergumulanku, aku hanya akan menjadi manusia dewasa dengan kepribadian lontang-lantung yang terjebak di masa lalu. Aku memiliki keberanian untuk mengambil keputusan-keputusan dalam hidup, karena tau ketika aku jatuh masih ada tempat aku untuk memantul dan bangkit lagi. 

Aku dapat membedakan hitam dan putih dengan jelas, tidak lagi mencari aman dengan menyusuri zona abu-abu yang paling mudah untuk dipilih, aku setiap waktu diingatkan bahwa aku adalah manusia dewasa yang bertanggung jawab sepenuhnya "hanya" pada diriku sendiri.

Jika ditanya aku bahagia atau tidak? Aku masih kesulitan menjawab, Tapi aku merasa penuh. It's one of my fullfilment phase in my life.

Jadi terimakasih untuk manusia yang dengan kesabarannya, menjadi penjaga terdepan di garis-garis kewarasanku. :)

The marriages of my exes

I just notice that this year my ex('es), (they are not that much lol) there are a few exes in my long love life journey who are married nowadays. It's not something sad and full of sorrowful notes that I write to accompany their happy day. I am happy for them, yes, I am. I send them a sincere prayer, attended their wedding ceremony, and even sent them a gift. I'm happy to know that they finally found the right person to share their life with. I'm glad that they found what they deserve because I know they are a good person.

To call them exes feels weird because actually, they are my friend, my high school friend, elementary friend, childhood friend, a friend of my friends, etc. that was ever my lover in my past.

But I do have the fortune to get back as a friend to my exes. To become "friends" again with exes is a choice and I choose to be a friend. I just think that what must be forgotten is not the person, but the bad memories. The "letting go" process is a lesson that has matured me. I choose to keep good memories, thanking them for their presence in the past time that brought happiness to me and their kindness and sincerity.

The process of being a friend – unfriending – in a relationship – breakup – unfriending – and finally being a friend again is very complex. Of course, it was an uneasy journey, let's call it a long and winding journey. To be honest, the separation process never went easy for me. It must be a lot of tears, grief, and unacceptable emotion, psychological breakdown (and one of my breakup stories even brought me to the emergency room, it's my very first breakup). It was a bit sad for me that I never had any proper break-up – or intentional break-up, in other words, the break-up was always one-sided. They were always the ones who want us to break up, not me. At every separation, I always feel dumped and abandoned, because who is ready for that instant separation? I had been lacking in self-confidence for a long time, and I was haunted by the fear of being abandoned every time I wanted to start a new relationship. It brought me to lose some sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

It took time for me to learn, that they just did not mend to be with me, but the process was worth the pain, it grow me fonder. I challenge myself to understand, that the pain is not caused by them, they are not intentionally hurt me. My pain was born from my ego which could not accept separation and grew from a sense of injustice for being abandoned. But, let's say it again, it was me, not them. As I grow up, I realize that holding the pain to have the power to hate them as a way to forget them from my life, is also the way to ruin my life worse. 

One day, after hundreds or even thousands of journals I've written about pain and sorrow after being abandoned so many times, I found my chi – if you know what I mean you must be watched Kungfu Panda. My chi is the power to letting go, specifically about forgiving. Forgive him, forgive what happened and the most important is forgive me. I write them a letter, to ask to apologize for being rude or mean or if in our journey I made a mistake that make them hurt, I thank them for loving me at its best at that time and I sent them sincere prayers for them to be happy in life. Day by day our conversation went well, we follow and follow-back social media to know what happened in life, and we saved contact numbers to send birthday wishes or seasonal greetings.

Skadooosh! I do defeat my past and cherish it as a life lesson.I am proud of my growth, I can let go, detach, and be happy for their happiness. And I intentionally share this self-reflection, in case some of you there haven't made peace with the past, even though it will take time, do it, your life will feel better after you make peace.